giugno 05, 2014

Cari morti

Quando si muore succede che si muore e ciao.
Però si dice pure che quando si muore si rivede tutta la vita. Tutti gli istanti della nostra vita. Tutto quello che abbiamo vissuto.
Pensavo questo oggi, praticando quello sport estremo che consiste nel portare il cane Lello a fare la passeggiata sul monte. A tal proposito  (divago adesso, ma sarò puntualissimo e ben centrato sul discorso poi) vorrei chiedere alla Redbull se potesse sponsorizzarmi. 

La passeggiata del cane Lello consiste in un continuo avventarsi, senza alcun preavviso, su cavallette, farfalle e lucertole. Spesso questi ortotteri, questi animali, esistono solo nella sua mente, quindi a niente vale scrutare il manto erboso o il ciglio della strada e gli anfratti tra le rocce per individuare la preda prima di lui, nella speranza di evitare, per quanto possibile, la fuoriuscita della spalla a causa dello strattone provocato dal guinzaglio.
A questo proposito, prima di proseguire concedetemi un piccolo spazio privato:

Cara Redbull, se siete interessati, a me farebbe molto piacere essere sponsorizzato da voi. Potrei portare in giro il cane indossando una videocamera Gopro sulla testa e filmando ogni momento. 
Gentilissima Redbull, avendo un età, ed essendo solitamente già provato dalla salita che affronto durante la passeggiata (vede, cara Redbull, vivo in collina e quando parto per la passeggiata ho solo due possibilità: andare in salita o in discesa. Non ci crederete ma queste due condizioni, qualunque sia la scelta iniziale, finiscono per verificarsi entrambe) essendo quindi provato dalla inevitabile salita, sono spesso malfermo sulle zampe e con il fiato corto. Credo che anche questo particolare, sopratutto il fiato corto, l’ansimare che potrei registrare in audio con la Gopro montata sulla testa, potrebbe aggiungere dramma al tutto. Probabilmente in una delle passeggiate, a causa delle zampe malferme, cadrò. Forse, con un po’ di fortuna, in un dirupo. 
Tutto questo verrebbe filmato in tempo reale e credo che potrebbe avere un pubblico magari per qualche speciale su canali tematici adeguati come il maschio Dmax.
Grazie per l’attenzione.

Oggi, portando a passeggio il cane Lello, forse a causa del principio di anossia del quale sono vittima ogni volta, ho pensato al fatto che quando si muore si rivede ogni istante della nostra vita. 
Non so se questo sia vero ma se qualcuno ha fatto questa esperienza lo pregherei di darmi smentita o conferma. 
Visto che se avete fatto questa esperienza probabilmente siete morti, potete farlo nel sonno (mio) tirandomi i piedi o mandandomi altri segni particolari che possa interpretare. Non vi chiedo di raccontarmi per filo e per segno tutto quanto (conosco la condizione tipica del fantasma che, solitamente, non comunica con frasi chiaramente comprensibili ma con botte nel muro, strisciare di catene, traballar di tavolini a tre gambe e via dicendo)  e mi accontenterò del modo a voi più congeniale.
Del resto, questo è il modo in cui parlate voi fantasmi, con un linguaggio vostro, criptico e di difficile lettura. Un po’ come i profeti e i divinatori del futuro che mai e poi mai direbbero “L’11 settembre del 2001 due aerei di linea si schianteranno sul world trade center di New York. In seguito a questo evento, reagendo a cazzo di cane, gli Stati Uniti invaderanno l’Irak”. No. I veggenti e i profeti preferiscono espressioni come: “Due cavedani d’arrostito brumo s’intaglieranno nella pampa d’oltremare, finché l’uomo con il coso minuscolo marcerà sulla minestra di dune”.

Portando a spasso il cane Lello ho pensato al momento in cui si muore e tutti gli istanti della nostra vita ci scorrono davanti agli occhi. Questo a meno che “La Montagna” di Games Of Thrones non vi abbia scoppiato la testa con le mani e i vostri occhi siano sparpagliati sul terreno, nel qual caso, sinceramente, non lo so. Non so se gli occhi devono essere integri per fargli passare tutta la vita davanti, forse prendo la cosa troppo alla lettera. Forse quelle che ci appaiono sono solo immagini mentali, come quelle dei sogni.
Ecco, cari morti. I sogni per esempio. Parliamone.
Passeranno anche tutte le cose sognate? Anche gli incubi orribili come quello dove scendevo nella stanza piena di scheletri o quello dove avevo il cesto di giocattoli con la luce verde sul fondo che quando arrivavo a toccarla mi risucchiava all’inferno?
E i sogni belli? Quelli nei quali ti svegli maledicendo la veglia? Rivedremo anche quelli? 
Non mi dispiacerebbe. 
Sono preoccupato per altro, però. Le partite a World of Warcraft, dovrò rivedere anche quelle?
Voglio dire, già rigiocarle sarebbe abbastanza inquietante, che ci vuole davvero tanto tempo per portare un Guerriero Non Morto al sessantesimo livello e uno Gnomo Ladro al quarantacinquesimo e un secondo Non Morto, ma Prete, stavolta, al cinquantaduesimo, ma starle a vedere soltanto, senza neppure poter muovere il mouse. Dio santo, sarebbe davvero una cosa crudele. Potrei trovarmi di nuovo nelle miniere a farmare minerali tutto il giorno? 
E, se si rivede davvero tutto, ci saranno anche le partite a Kick Off, sull’Amiga? Non ho più rivisto Kick Off, da tantissimi anni, mi ha divertito tantissimo ma non so se sopporterei di passare nuovamente ore e ore a giocare a Kick Off, con la grafica del tempo. Non credo che si upgradi la grafica dei giochi quando la si rivive in punto di morte. Succede? Battete un colpo se succede.

Ci sarà l’infanzia, in quel momento di trapasso? Ci saranno le corse nel prato di Panicagliora, con i cugini, le mazze di tamburo (sono funghi) lontane e gigantesche, visibili dalla terrazza di casa. 
Ci saranno i salti delle cavallette tra i piedi bimbi durante la corsa? Ci sarà il giorno in cui Carlo e Luca mi lanciarono come un sacco di patate giù da una balza ed atterrai con l’osso sacro sull’unico sasso disponibile in un Texas di erba sofficissima? Rivivrò quel dolore? Rivivremo tutti i nostri dolori? L’infiammazione del trigemino che mi venne a causa di quel dentista che mi sigillò un dente malato senza disinfettarlo a dovere? Ci sarà anche questo? Ci saranno le notti passate a guardare la finestra del mio primo amore, parcheggiato in una R4, fresco di patente, dipinto di Jack Daniel, come uno scemo romantico ubriacone, fermo sul sedile a guardare la sua finestra accesa, al quarto piano, aspettando anche soltanto di vederla passare per un istante. Ci sarà quel momento? Ci sarà quell’istante? 
La sua figura che appare, dietro il vetro opalino della finestra del bagno, il suo passare lenta. 
Non scomparire. Resta dove possa vederti. Non scomparire, e poi vederla scomparire ed aspettare ancora e intanto si fa notte fondissima e si beve un altro goccio, che fa Paul Newman e la luce si spegne e si riaccende di nuovo. Dio sia lodato, la luce del bagno, dietro alla finestra opalina si accende di nuovo. 
Lei passerà Eccola che passa. Amore, quanto cazzo pisci? Quante volte? Ma va bene. Piscia milioni di volte, io aspetterò ogni tuo trascorrere nel bagno, solo per poter vedere la tua forma distante. 
Ci sarà anche quel momento? Lo rivivrò? E rivivrò anche il momento in cui quel mio amore, dolcissimo primo amore, mi comunicò che la finestra che per tanti mesi avevo osservato come un agente della Digos era in realtà quella della vecchia, incontinente, vicina di casa?
Ci saranno le attese alla stazioncina di Pisa San Rossore, alle sette e diciassette, in inverno, ad aspettare il treno per Lucca, per andare al liceo, con i compagni che come fantasmi (sì, come voi fantasmi) ciondolavano appesi a delle Marlborine uscite da pacchetti da dieci, in un freddo pungente, insaccati in piumini anni 80, gonfi di una noia impronunciabile a parole, solo mimabile, ciondolando sul binario.
Allontanarsi dalla linea gialla.

La cosa mi spaventa. Se fosse vero, se davvero un giorno, spirando, rivivremo ogni istante della nostra vita, spero solo che avvenga in una versione acceleratissima, un fast forward 32X. 
O quantomeno in una sintesi, come nell’inizio delle puntate di 24. Un montaggio intelligente, non necessariamente in ordine cronologico adeguato ma che riassuma, così, velocemente, tutti i fatti accaduti, prima di andare dall’altra parte, nella nuova serie.
Ma se sarà così, rivedrò (rivedremo) anche tutte le serie tv? Di nuovo? Tutto Breaking Bad, Games Of Thrones, True Detective, The Killing, House Of Cards, Gomorra, Romanzo Criminale, Dio santissimo dei cieli, dovrò (dovremo) rivedere da capo tutte le stagioni di Walking Dead? 
E in quel momento, come potrò pormi di fronte a questa nuova edizione? Potrò comunque esprimere un’opinione, avere una mia posizione precisa, parteggiando per gli zombie, affinché divorino i personaggi più ciarlieri?
Spero di sì. Una visione passiva, una seconda visione passiva, non la reggerei.
Aiuto. 
Rivedrò (rivedremo) i discorsi di Berlusconi nelle campagne elettorali? I suoi proclami dopo le vittorie? E ancora, scendendo nel passato, rivedrò Fanfani e Rumor e Donat Cattin e Tassan Din, sullo schermo in bianco e nero della TV della mia famiglia? Rivedrò i telegiornali antichi, il monoscopio del fine trasmissioni, il suono prolungato della fine dei programmi. Rivedrò lo schermo completamente azzurro di Telecentro, quando alle una di notte cessava di trasmettere ma, segretamente (e io, io sì, lo conoscevo quel segreto) nello stesso momento un tecnico magnanimo stava armeggiando con una videocassetta da mandare in onda a sorpresa, alle due, alle tre, non era dato saperlo e su quella cassetta forse non c’era titolo, per non avere guai, ma se ci fosse stato, probabilmente sarebbe stato Lolita Masturbation?
Rivedrò le mie gambe di adolescente in atto masturbatorio? Rivedrò i ritagli di giornalini porno trovati nel campo, quei fiori colorati che con gli amici sapevamo riconoscere a distanze impossibili per l’occhio umano? 
Rivedrò, in punto di morte, le carezze ai cani di mio padre? Sarò di nuovo cucciolo tra i cuccioli, messo in posa, accanto ai cani da caccia per far sì che lui potesse scattare foto ai suoi amati spinoni senza che mia madre lo rimproverasse perché “fotografava solo i cani e mai i figlioli”?
Vorrei sapere alcune cose dai morti. Vorrei saperne molte in verità, ma mi accontenterei per il momento, di sapere questa: davvero si rivede tutta la vita scorrere davanti ai nostri occhi, in punto di morte? 
Perché se davvero fosse così, metterei maggiore attenzione nella scelta di ogni futura attività.
Cari morti, adesso, ad esempio, sto giocando a Fifa 14, in modalità carriera. Per voi morti antichi, devo spiegare che in modalità carriera si utilizza un solo calciatore della squadra, gli altri agiscono in automatico grazie a delle routine molto sofisticate di intelligenza artificiale. per i morti molto vecchi, dedicherò in seguito, una parte, alla definizione di “intelligenza artificiale”. 
Il mio calciatore, in modalità carriera, si chiama Harry Cani, è di colore, pesa settantotto chili ed è alto un metro e ottantacinque. Gioca nel Livorno, in serie B. In una delle ultime partite si è infortunato e così non ha potuto giocare per ben tre mesi di gioco. In Fifa 14 non esiste un modo per saltare di netto questi tre mesi, si deve comunque seguire l’andamento del campionato senza poter giocare, solo premendo il tasto A sul controller dell’xbox per andare avanti nella stagione. Non è una cosa divertente e , se fosse possibile, non solo avrei fatto ameno di passare tutto quel tempo a vedere la mia squadra del cuore subire una sconfitta dopo l’altra a causa dell’assenza del Bomber Cani, ma preferirei non dover rifare tutta la trafila, in punto di morte.

Ora mi chiedo, cari morti, esiste per caso un modo, un moto di coscienza, in quell’ultimo istante, una goccia residua di volontà per scegliere cosa rivedere e cosa no? Una sorta di sistema On Demand pre morte. Esiste? Se esistesse sarebbe una cosa buona. 
Per esempio non vorrei rivedere tutte le volte che mi sono comportato male e ho dovuto vergognarmi e non vorrei rivivere le discussioni su Facebook o i reload delle pagine web quando la Telecom mi faceva i dispetti, ma vorrei rivedere la schiena della mia fidanzata la prima volta che l’ho vista passare in quel locale all’aperto. 

Pensate che sia possibile? 
Devo procurarmi un tavolino con tre gambe per avere la risposta? 
E perché con tre gambe? 
Siete strani voi morti. Lo sapete vero?


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